All comes back to me, myself and I alone. Yes, today, no names shall be mentioned, it will be something, between me and my dream giver.
I'm just not giving enough. I just lack that kind of patience. I'm just not sensitive enough. And I will again ask this.. "When will I learn?"
Well, nutting has been going wrong in my life. Its just kind of like a self reflection thou. I've been like having a hell lot of fun since I was back. So absolutely no doubts about it.
I was watching this great movie yesterday.. Ermm, I wouldn't say its fantastic, cos I personally find it a bit bloody actually. But I was really entice by it.. Overall still a good movie I guess! Not forgetting to mention its name.. "War of the Worlds" yeah.. I know its an old movie, but hey, I'm paying only 3 bucks for it, and I get to watch it on the biggest screen in Wollongong with good sound systems! Thats really worth it man!
Anyway, back to my own reflections.. Well, I guess it all begins in my heart.. Yeah, sometime ago, I started to have a doubt on myself. I asked.. "Will I stay true to my promises?" All I can say is, as much as I want to, I failed to trust myself completely again. I had doubt. I paused and asked again.. "Why?" And while thinking of the "why" I came to see my own character again.
I know I shouldn't doubt anything about myself. I jolly well know that this is me. I very well understood that I have to learn to accept myself for who I am. I knew it all. But why? Since I know so much, why then I still doubt anything about it?
I have always think that I could trust people whom I love. I thot I can give them complete trust. I have made it known as well. But still, I can't. Deep down, at times, I could still have doubts on them. Just why can't I trust people completely. And I do mean COMPLETELY. I can't. I still can't. Seriously, anyone who has been reading this, rest assured that I do hold doubts on you as well. I can't deny that. I know it somehow hurts you that I've said such things, but I would beg you not to ask me about the doubts I have. I always had doubts. Even on my family as well.
Having doubts is always the first step to kill a relationship. Yea, and apparently, I never good at maintaining relationship. I always had that problem. I make friends effortlessly. I break friendship effortlessly as well. I dun noe. But everytime a friendship is about to break up, I would always have some form of feeling, and many times, I just blog it out here. I dun noe how others might feel about it thou, but I just hope for a little freedom to be able to express myself.
I know, sometimes, I also use my blog to hurt others. Yea, I made people cry over it as well. Yes, I such a jerk. I know alot of times, I shouldn't say something, and yet I went ahead, rubbing salt on the wound.
You people would have realised that I've removed my tag box already. You might want to keep those comments till next time. Well, plenty of reasons as for the changes in my blog. I never do things without a reason. Erm, lets just say I seldom do that, for I can't be 100% sure as well, u see.
Oh well, its not that I'm a bad person. I do have a good side as well thou. I guess people might be thinking that I'm just trying to bullshit about some good things about me again. But well, Who cares. As of now, I only wish for 1 set of voice, the dream giver's.
Realise one thing, when I get really focus on a relationship, I tend to get really hardcore about it, I will go all the way to please people. Doing all sorts of lovely things etc.. And the rest of the world tends to get forgotten in a way. But good things never last long. Perhaps u know, this kind of FULL attention is there to offset my "short-attention-span" flaw. But apparently, this isn't really healthy and I guess many people might not really like it as well.
You see, personally, I oso dun really like such things. Cos it tend to make me look very fake. It makes me look like those fools who hangs around people for a reason that is not as simple as PURE friendship. Well, up to people to decide. I have to keep reminding myself to trust myself thou. Even if I can't trust myself, I should at least trust god.
I will always have doubt on myself until I find the real me, only then shall I accquire inner peace and attain my goals and fulfil my dreams. I'm not there yet, I'm not ready. Dream giver knows it. Every test I go through now is a preparation. When I'm ready, you will know, for I will be in sanctury.
I'm sorry. My biggest mistake is still my temper. I'm still not patient enough. I have a long way to go. Please forgive me. Love me for who I am, and not who I will be.
Bless you.
