inferior complexity..

Haiz.. must be wondering y i didn't blog for so long rite?

I lazy lah.. haiz! Feeling pretty troubled all this while.. I lousy lah.. useless, hopeless and almost worthless..

Why do I have to do so much to cover my own flaws? Why do I have to make myself so strong infront of others? Why do I have to act tough? Why I always like to act smart, when I know I'm just so dumb? Why do I have to play clowns to make people laugh? Why do I have to act blur when I know exactly whats going on all around me? Why ah? Why ah?

It all turns out that I'm trying to hide.. To cover all my flaws, to keep my ugly past to myself. To maintain the image of that "ever cheerful" person infront of all. All in the name of inferior complexity..

Hide hide hide, thats what I always do.. Act act act, thats nutting new. ARGHHHH!!!! I'm not stupid! I'm just dumb!

I just feel so upset abt it, even my closer friends start to compare me with themselves. I just feel so upset abt it, yet I dun voice out any unhappiness infront of them. So what kind of friend m i? I just dun feel good about myself, I dun have the courage to voice out this unhappiness infront of them..

I have such great ego that I can't allow myself to lose to even my closer peers.. I'm a person who can't afford to lose, I can't handle defeat. I'm such a sucker! I just cannot take things in my stride. I only allow myself to admit defeat infront of those whom I look up upon to, maybe as my idol, as my mentor? or whatever ba.. actually, if you ever try to make me name those whom I consider better than me, I would say, I've met not many so far! Less than a handful at the very most.

I'm just not as good as what I claimed to be.. If you dun noe me that well, dun presume.. cos I always did that, and very often, I proved myself wrong!


Between now and then, till I see you again, I'll be loving you..

Love,
Me