Counting down.. xx Days and loving it.

Eh lo mate..! Ohh doesn't this title seems familiar? Yup! U guys have seen it like over 106 days ago.. Wasn't it scary.. Its like almost a third of the year has passed.. without me by your side.. and without you by my side.. I can never put the kind of pain I had to endure into words.. I can't say the same for everyone perhaps.. But I guess I always have a great family who felt the same as me.. esp my mum.. and not forgetting some of my great buds!

So far so good.. revision is going no where.. so here I m.. blogging my way to failure yet again.. Duh... I guess I shouldn't be putting "failure" by my mouth.. It only invites more scolding and nagging.. Right guys?

Maybe a little update on my current status..

• 4 papers to clear.. namely

1. CSCI213:Java and the Internet
2. ECTE344: Control Theory
3. ECTE301: Digital Signal Processing
4. ECTE313: Electronics

• Revision status.. Not started with Java and electronics.. halfway thru Control Thry and stuck with DSP..
• Subject contents are FOC(Full of Crap).. and they come in TONNES!
• Interestingly, in Control Thry, apparently, we are going to be tested on something that we have not been fully taught on.. and the weightage for it is gonna be like a crappy 25% to 30% for it.. its something like drawing root locus by hand..Ah Haaa! If i ever master that.. I will happily pass this paper with no sweat.. only if...
• Java?? Its gonna be like 20% on the Internet part and 30% on those freakish Java Stuff..
• For electronics.. I have no idea.. Not that I nv attended the lecture and tuts.. In fact, I've been faithfully doing it.. but u know what, I'm just not cut for it.. It hurts me greatly too.. All I know, we are going to be tested on npn and Nmos... IC Cascode high frequency response.. But all I know abt electronics is.. erm.. well..
• As for my DSP.. Its a real let down man... I dun noe... Its a subject that I'm interested in.. but I just don't get it! I can't get the basics right.. Its really sucky! I hate myself for it..

I've got over giving myself loads of stress... I've been telling myself abt this.. Even If I fail them, I will just have to repeat it... I suppose there is nutting wrong with failing... the only thing wrong with failure is that one refuses to pick oneself up after failing.. So be it that I'm gonna take 2 years to 3 years or even 4 years to complete this degree.. I'm just gonna do it.

I'm not a studious kid! I'm just good at finding ways to go thru it.. scattered or unscattered.. its all luck.. Perhaps, the way of uni is not how much you can do alone.. rather, its how much you can get from everyone around u... For example..

In a lecture hall of 100 students.. There is a Professor teaching.. 99 of them is learn (apparently, there is suppose to be at least 1 joker in every lecture hall.. trust me, there will always be one.. at least) So it simply means, there is going to be 1 set of knowledge that is passed down, but 99 different views of perceptions. These 99 perceptions will only be complete when they are put together..

So what I'm trying to say here is that, its never enough to learn as an individual.. Uni is all about how many bits and pieces u can put together to form the big picture.. But sadly in the culture of uni.. people just don't see things this way.. They ought to go thru my beloved PBL system.. learn the spirit of it..

Anyway.. I got a chance to savour some traditional Persian food yesterday.. Cool.. it was great! My frend's mummy made them.. she came all the way from Dubai just to spend time with my frend.. Wasn't it cool?

Yes.. After that.. When I came home last nite, I immediately changed my MSN nick.. yes.. I'm really green with envy.. I just wanted my mummy to be by my side.. Yes.. nag at me for all she want.. I dun care.. I want to go home.. Spare my loved ones from the trouble of travelling.. I m gonna do the travelling myself.. I guess to have every loved ones by my side.. I might need to charter a whole plane to fly from SG to Sydney... So I assume it will be way cheaper to get a stupid tix n fly back home..! I just hope to make up for the time I've lost over the past few months.. and towards my family.. its gonna be the time I've lost over the past 20 years..

This morning church service made it worst.. The feeling really rose up high.. I almost cried.. I mean.. the church service was great.. it brought me back so close to home emotionally.. Every sunday, it made me feel the same.. everytime I would feel this funny feeling (apparently I can't find any words for it).. I just miss home so much.. It has never decreased since day 1.. I always thot I could be strong. An individual. But there is always this some part of me who yearns for these warmth.. I do break down too..

Life is a test of endurance I suppose. How much can I go thru will determine how far I can go.. Perhaps now is a good chance of testing myself.. since day 1.. I'm clearer than anyone.. I knew I can't turn back..

So.. before you know it.. I might be knocking on your door in a few weeks time! Dun be surprise if I do that!

Going back to the warmth of my beloved textbooks again...
Ciao!

Seconds by seconds,
I just felt closer to home and reunion

100 day.. showing you how money can cause family ties to be forgo..

Whoo.. Damn tulan..

Today is my grandma's 100 day death aniversary.. And all of those heartless creeps came to my place and created a scene.

Ok.. first of all, I must refresh everyone's memories.. I did say this before I left Singapore.. Should anyone of them ever come and mess up my family life.. I shall be back and mess up theirs.. No one speaks ill of my family! And DAMN those buggers! Actually dare to come to my place and mess around! Insult me for all I care.. Just the bloody damn hell leave my parents alone.. esp my mother!

I can't stand it anymore! Oh damn it, this is so maddening.. I swear they shall see no end to my nonsense for disrupting the lifes of my family.

My parents have done all they could to provide for my grandmother.. for the fact that she has been living with my family for at least 30 freaking years.. and WITHOUT A SINGLE CENT from any others. What more can they ask for?

Life was a misery for my mother for the past 30 odd years.. Bearing all those awful words, dirty looks, insulting comments.. What wrong has she done to deserve such ill treatment. She has been a faithful wife, a dutiful daughter-in-law, a wonderous mother.. what more can these people ask for? For all these years.. this lady whom i dearly called "ma" has been serving the family without any grumbles.. without asking for anything in return, she perservered.. She was always there for the family.. caring for that old lady who was practically ABANDONED by the other children.. Hasn't she done enough?

Their accusations: My mum ignored the old lady, causing her to suffer in slience.. Not taking care of her needs.. Didn't bring her to the hospital but instead rang up the old lady's other children to bring her to the hospital.

My Point of View: I only need to ask a few questions..

1. Who woke up in the middle of the night to help the old lady when she fell?
2. Who had to stay in the hospital just to wait outside the ICU?
3. Who cook for her everyday.. 7 days a week, 365 days a year?
4. Who washes her clothes for her?
5. Who clean after her when she make a mess out of everything?
6. Who brought her to the clinic for every slightliest reasons?
7. Who has been serving her for the past at least 30 freaking years?
8. Even at the funeral, who has to forgo her meals just to take care of every nitty gritty?

Simply my mum..

She is someone who I can't bring her shopping around, for she is always worried about the old lady at home.. Ever since i grew to be independent, I would always love to bring my mum out for a little shopping trip, but often, it will end up with the both of us feeling unhappy becos she will always request to go home, even when she hasn't done abit of shopping.. Ever since, I have grew to dislike going home, as home is always a stressful place for me..

More than 3 months since she past away.. Still fighting over her money. I was indeed very disgusted by them.. Fancy talking about spliting the $$ even before the old lady took her last breathe. I felt so upset for her.. and I actually cried for her.. I feel so sad that even on her death bed, no children was there to shed real tears for her.. Everything was just an act.. to gain pity.. Mayhaps, all thot that the more tears shed, the more $$ they get.. Its really disheartening..

Today they came to my place.. and insulted my family. How dare they do that! What insolence. So my worst fear had came true.. They came and mess up my family.. They said my father was getting old and senile and ignore that old lady becos of that. They indirectly blame my mum for the old lady's death. They said my sister insulted one of the aunt.. like how many freaking years back.. They said my brother didn't buy lunch for the old lady, causing her to go hungry that day.. when my mum wasn't in SG. ("that day" was like many years back) .. They said I was so rude n fouled tempered and I said some insulting comments in the hospital that offended them.. (which wasn't true.. I said those insulting words about them EVERYWHERE I GO!) They said my sister didn't serve them drinks and didn't bothered to greet them.. (yeah.. as if their children bothered with those greetings)

Like I said, I don't only say those harsh words in the hospital.. I would bring them everywhere i go.. I will tell everyone about the bad things they do.. I tell no lies. Facts are there to be seen. No one can hide them. Even if I don't say, people can judge for themselves. If they had truly cared for their mother, they would have visited her at least once of twice a month.. or at least bring her out for a meal or a walk.. But sadly, none did..

So whats there to complain? Those people are rich enough, in fact much richer than my family. So whats the fight over money for? Simply GREED. None of them had much use for that money they are getting.. I dun care about this money.. for I know I have the capablities to earn as much as I want to. I have no need to fight over such pitiful sum of money. Being Poor is not wrong, just live life with dinigity and integrity. Still dare to tell my family to "keep it within the family" .. My family has done nutting wrong, and I don't see the point of hiding dirty facts of what they did from the rest of the world. They are sinners! They deserve all the attention they should get. They deserved to be look down upon by the rest of the world, and I shall not shelther them from it.

Whatever they do now, will earn them the retribution they deserved. Bad karma will fall upon them. Their children, I believe, will one day treat them the same as they treated their mother.

Heaven can see.. God can hear my cry for justice to be done.

Just wait till I get home.. I shall see how they fall..

Dr Wee's Theorem

Have you guys seen a heater before? Thats like something i thot i will never own in life.. But hey, I just bought one a few days ago.. Its cool.. or rather, its warm.. Simply love having it by my feet.. ah.. dun you jus feel so good? I just I'm missing out on the warm sunshine in SG..

I've been taking loads of fruits and vegs to make up for my lost of vitamins due to the extreme lack of sleep.. I took a trip into the world of formulas and graphs.. Programming and more Programming.. All till i came to a point where I say.. it has to stop somehow.. I can't take so much. So what happened after class yesterday was that me and my buddies make a detour to the UniBar for some music to end the day.. It does feel good to end of a day of hardwork at the Bar.. with chips, drinks, music, pool and so much fun and laughter..

Even superman gets tired and need to rest occassionally. And wats worst is that... I'm not a superman.
-----------------------------------
(I doze off after the first part of blogging.. arghh.. sorry..)

This part of my entry is specially dedicated to faithy..

Dun think so negatively.. Come on.. cheer up! I do also feel very upset at times when I hear abt frends going elsewhere without me.. ESP when I'm stuck here.. It gets worst esp when you know you can't be there to enjoy the same fun with them. I do really feel sour in my heart. Nah, I'm sure sometimes the rest would miss my company just like I miss them.

Blog is never a way to gauge your popularity or the amount of friends you have. Blogging is just a simple matter of "give and take".. writters get to give all their thots but its up to individual reader to take in wat the writer wants to convey. Take for example our one of our SG's most popular blog.. my personal fave blog to find some fun (i dun go there anymore cos i rather spend time reading my friend's bloggy or plough thru my textbks) .. none other than www.xiaxue.blogspot.com oh boy this girl is a real entertainer, she has a few thousand readers (bored ppl) reading her stuff on daily basis. Man i say this girl blogs alot, she points her fingers at anything.. Obsessed with her own theories and definition of "beauty and uglyiness".

Such a blog with such high reader-ship.. but coming back to it.. how many people who read her blog cares about her damn life? Most prolly, a big majority of her readers are just like me.. seeking some entertainment from the web. Who cares about her anyway? She isn't my friend.. You should be glad in fact, for the fact that those who read your blog are those who seeks to find out more about your on going life, and care about you and your thots. Am I right to say that?

So comparing you and xiaxue.. She is such a loser..

Anyway, friendship is all about giving and taking.. no one gives forever, no one takes forever. It has a limit, once blown, consider it over. Don't ask me for definition of friends.. Till now, I still dun have a definite answer. Talk about friends, I do have lots of them. But seriously, how many are real, you will never know.

True that distance has definitely put stress on me and many of my relationships.. it really puts a weight in my heart. But I say, what is fated to come will come. If these relationship were meant to be there.. it will be there. Sometimes, distance do help strengthen a relationship I guess.. Esp with my family. One good thing is that these distance has definitely brought me closer to my family by heart. Without seperation, you will never find out how close you actually were.

But always remember this, losing a friend dun put u on the losing end, when you lose a friend, it just mean that this friend is not worth you care and attention. He/she should be the one to cry for the lost of such previledges? attention. Don't u think so?`

Cheer up girl, for at least u know, there is still a person caring for u all the way from the southern hemisphere.. Isn't that cool? Hehe

(cool, lucky i've decided to blog them out instead of leaving little msg in the shoutbox.. u will go crazy with the amount of little msg u get..)

Seconds by seconds,
I just felt closer to home and reunion.

Putting it down..

Really bothered recently..
Plenty of reasons being so..

1. I've always talk about going home.. but when will I get to go back? When will I ever get to step on my beloved land again?
   What seems like yesterday.. the sight of all my friends at the airport.. Biding farewell.. I didn't want my family to come.. for a fact that.. I just dun noe how I should put it..
   I just can't put my heart to anything here.. simply because I had left my heart in Singapore..
2. Exams are coming.. I'm left with exactly 1 month to my first paper. My Java paper.. followed by Control Thry, DSP then Electronics.. My heart is racing with every ticking seconds.. 2 Weeks decides my fate.. to live or to die.. fate lies in these 4 papers..
3. My Engineering Management results are back.. did slightly better for this time round.. got 15.6 out of highest possible of 20 marks (thats 78%) --- previous was 10.5 out of 15 = 70%.. Thats kind of a little improvement from the previous mid term exam.. but due to the sucky mid term I've got.. now.. I'm standing at 74.5% for this semester.. Which.. in another words..
   I M JUST THE FREAKING 0.5% OFF MY DISTINCTION MARK!!!!! dun u just feel so pissed by that?
4. There is this damn toothache that is causing me pain.. Now that I can't even enjoy my sandwich like I used to do.. Wonder if its the wisdom tooth thingy.. arghh..

Ever realised that my blog seems to come in point form? Perhaps now everything comes in point-form to me.. this is my way of remembering things perhaps... One more thing I realised.. Engineers hates round things! They are all squar-ish block minded! And those who can't think straight can't be good engineers.. Hahaa

Seconds by seconds,
I just felt closer to home and reunion.