Utter dissapointment..

Bet you might already found out why I'm writing this post again..

Yes.. Another of my subject is gone.. Just saw my mid term exam results a moment ago.. Didn't flop it.. but jus didn't do well in it.. score only 70% for it. Its really saddening. This subject is my most confident subject and it turns out to be such a dissapointment.

Don't know what to say about it.. Can't concentrate on anything now.. 70% is never going to let me get near to my goal of a distinction for this subject.. Which I guess is a bare minimum as my frend was telling me that it would be a real shame if one only manage to get a "credit" for this subject.. really scared..

I just hate myself for not being able to perform well.. Where is the old me? Where has my hopes and dreams and those big and wonderful theories gone to when I needed them most..?? Where is my faith, where is my believes? Where is the old Cheerene who can jump around with joy for just passing a simple test?

I know I can never be my same old self again.. Perhaps the world has just lost the old cheerene.. in replacement was someone who is dominated by scores and grades, results and positions. No longer her old self.. No longer what she thot she was..

I know I'm not fit to be angry with anyone or anything.. I guess I can only vent this anger on myself then.. Its all my fault for being stupid.. I can't blame anyone else..

Remember what faithy used to tell me.. she used to tell me how she admired me.. *wonders if she can still remember it* .. yes its a really great feeling to b admired by people, and she really makes me feel proud of it. And because of what she had said, I really swelled with pride! But that was in the past, at this moment, I had nutting for anyone to admire anymore..

Sometime ago, I received an email.. I was really upset with the contents. Thou wat it said was really true, but I just can't take the fact.. it was way too hard to swallow.. the Hard Facts of Life.. I'm just not as good as everyone thinks. I'm just a good-for-nutting..

Should I be happy that I've passed a paper? Haa.. Doubt so..

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Thats all I want to say about my results for my mid term paper.. Dun ask about it anymore.. is that a deal?

What i wanted to speak about, is something that has been troubling me for sometime..

Recently, I've been bothered by a spat of bad dreams and horrible nitemares.. They seems to have deeper meaning behind them, but I just dun noe what they actually meant.

Ever heard about having a spirit or something to lie on you when you sleep, causing difficulties in getting up and all sorts of things? Sounds scary don't you think? Yeah.. Its really scary that day. Soon, even weirder dreams came along.. for days, I'm always badly waken up by these bad dreams of watever kind.

Due to stress perhaps.. Haiz..

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Next thing I wanted to talk about is regarding a silly yet "cannot dun get it off my heart" topic.. about my frends..

I've seen much much more recently.. About friends who leave u in lurch at times of great needs or whatever... So what do we call them? Friends or Fiends?

First..
definition of friend: A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.

I always told myself to give unconditionally, love unconditionally.. but I never managed to do that.. I would always hope for something in return.. In another words, I always expected help to come to me when I need them..

But is it wrong to have such expectations? Doesn't everyone have such expectations in a way? I'm really puzzled with life, and the way it works.. I believe in giving chances.. but seriously, would a REAL friend need so many chances to prove oneself as a "friend"?

Doubt so.. Anyway, here's a toast to our friendship.. real or fake, up to you! Dun have to tell me, I can see for myself... I'm sick and tired of it... really, just give me a break..

My God,

All I ask for is someone I could totally trust. Was that too much to ask for? I dun noe.. God, pleas enlighten me.. I believe I have put in effort in any relationship.. But apparently, that is not the case..

praying hard..


Between now and then, till I see you again, I'll be loving you..

Love,
Me