Saturday: Counting down to 7 Days

Just as I was busy with my count down.. someone else ended hers suddenly.

Yes.. my grandmother ended her count today. 1413 to be exact. To tell the truth. I'm not really sadden by her departure. Rather, I'm truly sadden that she didn't really have anyone to shed true tears for her. Well, alot of them were crying in the hospital, but all crocodile tears. I felt very hurt by it. It wasn't the tears that really matters, its wat the heart feels at that moment. The reason I was so upset by them was that they still care so much about the money even at that critical moment. Dun tell me that I have to be logical and practical.

I did cried this morning when I saw her in the ICU. I called out to her.. but .. Thou I may not love the old woman lying on bed 33, ward 6B this morning. But at least, I do feel sad for her, Thou I always would talk bad about her, perhaps a part of me still holds on the some memories. Yes, to me, she is very bad. I never like her at all. Thinking of the problems that she caused in the family. Come to think of it, without her physically being there, I doubt we(as in the whole family of my father side) would even meet up even once a year. Yup, I never have any liking for those relatives, cos i find them proud. But if not for those proudness in them, nutting would have challenged me to move forward.

And yes, her sudden death did really make me think alot. I was more or less in a daze the whole day. Till and extend that I could take a wrong train. That was my first time in life that I ever took a wrong train. Something keep churning in my head. Racing with my heartbeat. I totally lost my coolness. I've been telling myself. Reminding myself. Drilling myself. Not to keep things to myself. But I still couldn't do it. I have alot to say. Too much to express. But did none. Said none.

I knew that I might have no more tomorrow. But I just can't speak up. Surprising! Cheerene can't speak up for herself?? Lolx.. it just made everyone's toes laughing. Yes. I'm not as brave as everyone might assume. I do have a weak side that I try to hide. Stupid weakling thats my nick. Trying to help others before I could even help myself! Arghh.. See how fantastically stupid I can be?

I happened to b reading keong's bloggy a moment ago. Realized that he somehow was like me. Not being able to speak up. But lucky for me. I waited only 2 years. I met him something like 2 years back. Unforgetable.
But I was more or less pushed by my dreams. Born with a temper that is hard to curb. Character that is pretty unique i would say. And talents that are unmeasurable. (God, see how proud I m of myself). Yes, I wan to soar. I have dreams to fulfil. I want to be the best. I dun want to divert my attention. If I want him, I will have to give up my dreams and b the best to him. Or else, I will have to give him up and do the best for my dreams. Either one. No such things as Best of Both World.

Well, if I have not went thru so much, perhaps my choice would be to follow him instead of my dreams. Bits of everything made me the way I m today. So I decided not to say anything to him. I hide. It wasn't an easy decision. Time and again, I feel so hurt, esp when I'm happy, or when I'm having some celebrations without him. I wanted to share all my happy moments with him. I jus hope for his shoulder to lean on at times of unhappiness. I smsed him just now. Glad that he was the first one to reply to my message. Thou he didn't say much, just to see those few words is good enough already.

A part of me tells me to love unconditionally. Yet another part tells me not even to start it off, for fear of its end. Contradicting.

Between now and then, till I see you again, I'll be loving you..

Love,
Me